Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Unfulfilled Expectations
We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a problem; a problem we create by our expectations.
Try this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not easy. Simple.
No expectations equal unconditional love. We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up, we either chose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.
"Okay," you say, "that's nice, but everyone has expectations!" Perhaps.
Today's lesson to learn is this: unfulfilled expectations always cause problems. Think about it. Your most recent issue with your partner relates in some way to an expectation that you had that didn't get fulfilled. Right?
Instead of being consistently confused by what you "expect" from your partner (and seldom get), focus and communicate your "needs." Most people do not do this. First, "you" must be clear about what you need from the relationship. Second, let your partner in on your little secret.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.
In my experience as a relationship coach, I would rate "unfulfilled expectations" as number 2 in a list of relationship problems.
What are your comments on this?
Try this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not easy. Simple.
No expectations equal unconditional love. We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up, we either chose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.
"Okay," you say, "that's nice, but everyone has expectations!" Perhaps.
Today's lesson to learn is this: unfulfilled expectations always cause problems. Think about it. Your most recent issue with your partner relates in some way to an expectation that you had that didn't get fulfilled. Right?
Instead of being consistently confused by what you "expect" from your partner (and seldom get), focus and communicate your "needs." Most people do not do this. First, "you" must be clear about what you need from the relationship. Second, let your partner in on your little secret.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.
In my experience as a relationship coach, I would rate "unfulfilled expectations" as number 2 in a list of relationship problems.
What are your comments on this?
Comments:
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Excellent article. But how do you learn to lower your expectations? Example: When I had to fly to the regional medical center for liver failure, the night before I left, I asked my husband to hold me, tell me he loved me and that we'd manage to somehow to make it through the unknown days ahead. His reply was "No, he couldn't do that." so he rolled over and fell asleep. That's the normal response to any request I have for him to meet my expecations. But he does do dishes so he's not all bad! ;-)
I too agree with Anonymous. This is an excellent article, but yeah the same question that arises is how to lower the expectations?
You know even I tried lowering them. I thought that it's always better not to expect anything from anybody, not only from your partner but everybody. But I don't know unknowingly we expect somethings from the people we care for.
If say for example, I cook for my partner, then deep inside my heart I expect him atleast to appreciate it.
Yeah with my efforts I have stopped expecting materialistic things but I still crave for small small gestures that show he cares and loves.
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You know even I tried lowering them. I thought that it's always better not to expect anything from anybody, not only from your partner but everybody. But I don't know unknowingly we expect somethings from the people we care for.
If say for example, I cook for my partner, then deep inside my heart I expect him atleast to appreciate it.
Yeah with my efforts I have stopped expecting materialistic things but I still crave for small small gestures that show he cares and loves.
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