Saturday, October 29, 2005


Random Thoughts to a Coaching Client

Letting go is not complicated. It is simple. Not easy. Simply identify the
situation you want to let go of and ask yourself, "Am I willing to waste my
energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "no," then that's it! Let
go. Telling someone is a bonus. Detachment is only for you, never for
another. It promotes healing. Choice is always present when you let go. You
do not have to let go and there are consequences.

Letting go of behavioral patterns that no longer serve us often feels as
though we are risking our safety and comfort.

Calculated risks taken for the benefit of our own well being are worth
taking. This form of movement is safer than standing still. Those who remain
stationary become an easy target for misery of their own creation.

The energy we expend by holding on often leaves us drained and with a
feeling of hopelessness.

Letting go does not mean you should stop doing whatever it takes to make
your relationship work. Let go of your expectations about how
you think it might work out and instead focus all your energy on what you
want, not what you don't want.

Expectations vs. Needs! We often expect our love partner to make the best
choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our
choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call
this situation a problem: a problem we create by our expectations. Try
this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not
easy. Simple. No expectations equals unconditional love.

We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they
don't show up, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If
the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about
making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always
picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make
can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can,
regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our
relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become
the relationship we enjoy being in.

We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a
need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when
necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled
can only cause disappointment.

Unfulfilled expectations always causes problems. It is important to allow
our love partner the freedom to fulfill our needs in their own best way. To
do so, can only inspire a love that goes far beyond what we ever could have
imagined! What you can be with in life. . . lets you be!

It takes no strength to let go; only courage. Courage is a byproduct of a
positive self-image.

When there seems to be a lack of love, it is only that you are keeping it

Whenever you feel lonely, deprived or rejected, tell yourself that there is
never a lack of love. Love is always available everywhere, especially inside
of you. Then stop and realize, you can always open your heart. You can give
to others the love you have been longing for. When you do this, not only do
you feel better, but love from others soon comes streaming back to you.

Exercise: Look around and see who is right there around you. Find something
positive about that. Become aware of your negative judgments of them and let
them go. Become aware of the distance that you are creating between the two
of you by your own thoughts. Now, find something else positive about them.
If you feel you can, tell them. (This step make take awhile to do. It is not
absolutely necessary in the beginning, just finding something positive is a
great help as well).

This action of finding something positive about another person, and "letting
go" of negative, judgmental thoughts about them, is in itself an act of
love. It is a way of exercising our love giving-receiving ability,
strengthening our muscles and seeing the beauty in everyone.

We are strongest when we are letting go of what doesn't work. That's change
in action. When we open our mind to behave in a different way, we create the
freedom to love. To open our hearts to love is perhaps the greatest gift we
can give to ourselves.

When you finally understand that it is "not" unfashionable to negotiate
situations rather than standing firm and allowing the past to rule your
present, relationships become relationships you can live with.

When you understand that time spent justifying your position that is not
working is futile, you can then move forward with a velocity that frees you
to address the issues and deploy solutions that are clearly essential to
everyone's well-being.

We use reasons to explain away why we don't want to do something different;
reasons why we don't want to change. If we know that doing something
different might help the situation, not doing something different is called
"stupid." The best reason why has never solved the problem.

Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is
why we feel the need to have our lives dominated by reasons why we didn't do
something different instead of results. When we make the decision to go for
results in our love relationships. . . that's the real moment we make a
decision to grow and prosper.

May all your prayers be "thank yous!"


Good article. Very insightful. I enjoyed it.

Cully Perlman
Letting go is hard because most of the time, people equate it with 'final goodbye'. They think there should be no more ways to keep in touch. What they don't realize is even though the expectations that go with the relationship have reached the breaking point, the connection with the person can still continue. It will take some time, but eventually, you will be able to reconcile with your partner and with yourself, and let go of pains of the past.
>>>Try this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not
easy. Simple. No expectations equals unconditional love.<<<

Well, easy to say that. But see how people behalf, more and more expectations, 150% more than they willing to give. It`s even hard as a Single to find a good partner with expectations on a "normal" level.
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