Send As SMS

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Me Change? Yuk!!

Changing how you feel about your relationship begins with changing how you think!

Someone once said, "change your thinking and you will change your life." I couldn't agree more. However, there is one more thing you must do. That is to also change your behavior. Changing your attitude about the situation is part of changing your behavior. Without changing your behavior and your attitude, changing your thinking won't matter.

Look at your behavior and your attitude to see if they are contributing to the well being of the relationship or detracting from it. Is your attitude about it building obstacles or creating space for a healthy love relationship to thrive? You always have choice.

Remember, relationship problems are shared problems. It is rarely ever only one person's fault. A question you might ask yourself is: "What am I doing that contributes to me seeing this as a problem?" Next, decide to change your thinking about the problem or your partner. Then begin to change your behavior about how you react to whatever you perceive the problem to be.

When what you are doing isn't working, you must decide to do something different - to make a change. And the sooner, the better. Seldom does anything improve from neglect. Stay open to the possibility that doing "something different" might work. It most likely will be something you've never tried before or that won't make sense until you try it. That might be a little scary and you have to take the first step while you are still afraid.

What you think about and speak about, you bring about. Want more of the problem? Keep thinking about it instead of seeking mutually beneficial solutions to it and refuse to change "YOUR" behavior. Rather than looking outside for the source of your problems, look inside for the source of your solutions.

It's not easy. And, you can do it.

When you dwell on the problem, a solution to it will not appear to you. There is usually more than one solution to every problem. Problems do not go away by themselves. People solve problems.

Obviously if you have a partner who is willing to work with you to get your relationship back on track. . . that's ideal. But what do you do when your partner doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem?

You must decide to focus your attention on working on you; getting back in touch with who you are. With a major behavior and attitude adjustment, you will begin to feel better about yourself and stop blaming your partner for the problem.

Remember, changing how you feel about your relationship, begins with changing how you think!

Sunday, April 30, 2006


Getting Your Needs Met MUST Be a HIGH Priority

You have a responsibility to yourself to get your needs met in your love relationship. If someone is doing something that is unacceptable, something that you cannot tolerate, you have an obligation to yourself to make a choice in the matter.

The degree of unacceptability isn't a consideration. How much you love someone shouldn't be a consideration. If it is unacceptable, that's it!

If you love them, you love them. You will always have a relationship with them regardless of the choice you make to get your needs met.

When someone is doing something that is unacceptable, you compromise your own personal integrity if you are not true to yourself. The choice you make will always have consequences, some we call good; some we call bad.

While the following example may be a non-issue for you, it can be and has been an issue for several of my relationship coaching clients.

"If you love someone unconditionally, how can you walk away from the relationship because they smoke?" Because smoking is unacceptable behavior, period! "Then your love must be conditional!" Hardly. Making a choice about getting your needs met has nothing to do with love. The distinction that must be made is the distinction between love and the choice of getting your needs met.

The problem most people have with this scenario is that the level of unacceptability gets in the way of their understanding. If smoking is unacceptable behavior to the person who is walking away and it isn't unacceptable behavior to the person who asks the question, then the only problem is that the degree of unacceptability becomes the issue, not getting your needs met.

When you make the choice to get your needs met, and the choice is to walk away, you have only made a choice about getting your needs met, not whether you love someone conditionally or unconditionally. It is a healthy choice.

It is possible to love someone unconditionally and still make a choice not to be with them in a committed relationship because you believe that something they do is unacceptable to you.

It is also a demonstration of your unconditional love to allow that person to continue whatever behavior is unacceptable to you and then choose not to be in the relationship. It's not a matter of placing a condition on your love for that person. It's a matter of choice; the choice to be true to yourself and have your needs met or not.

When you love someone. . . you love them. Making a choice not to be in the relationship because you find their behavior unacceptable is only and always about choice. And there are consequences. When you love someone and you choose to walk away, you are only talking about the choice to get your needs met, not about love.

Anyone who can't understand how someone could do that, obviously is only thinking of themselves; they are only comparing the level of unacceptability with something they find unacceptable. Not a good idea. They are only speaking for themselves.

We need to understand that what is acceptable to some might be unacceptable to someone else.

To stay in a committed relationship when you know that unacceptable behavior is going on can never be a healthy love relationship and the issue will always be a point on contention.

Thursday, December 22, 2005


Rx for the Holiday Blues!

November and December are months that typically bring to mind family and friends. It is often a difficult time for people who have lost a loved one through death, divorce or separation. The suggestions in this article will help you to focus on giving the gift of happiness, not sadness, first to yourself and to your friends during the final days of this year.

During this season of celebration, are you are experiencing a dip in your mood just when it's the season to celebrate thankfulness and to be jolly? The hustle and bustle got you down? Are you overwhelmed with the busyness of the season?

Are you dreading the holidays? Feeling behind before you even begin preparations? Wish you could hibernate until the season's over? Avoiding tree-trimmings and office parties? Is your attitude, "Bah-humbug!?" For your own well being, don't boycott the holidays.

Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, Ramadan, New Years eve - whatever you celebrate this season, being single (or being alone) doesn't suck as much as you think. You have a choice between sitting home and wallowing in your own self pity and crying into a warm beer watching reruns of "It's a Wonderful Life" or creating a very special holiday just for you. Embrace your situation. There is hope.

Nostalgia is often characterized as depression.

Nostalgia is a disorder of the imagination, where the mind is dwelling upon past memories and loses interest in the present situation: a mood disorder. It is a longing for pleasures, experiences, or events belonging to the past. Those memories are often brought on by an aroma, a song, an old movie, a picture, and can send you back many, many years.

Although nostalgia is not depression, it can lead to depression. For nostalgia to be normal, it must contain a depressive component that is related to the recognition that the past is irrevocable. In its pathological form, the mood contains only the elated aspects without the acceptance of loss, or what could be described as bittersweet sentiment.

Homesickness deals with the nagging thought that perhaps you made a terrible mistake in leaving the comforts of your old life, which may bring a temporary phase of loneliness and depression.

There is never any benefit in longing for what once was, but rather much joy in exploring what is. Focus on the present and think positively. This approach can help reduce some of your frustration and unhappiness as well as build your confidence to live in the spirit of the holiday season.

To really enjoy it during the holidays, you'll first need to temper your expectations. Forget about what's "supposed" to happen. Remember that lots of people out there are doing what's expected, and probably running themselves a little ragged.

Some degree of loneliness is normal during the holidays. There is nothing abnormal about having the "holiday blues," which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives. Plan a holiday where loneliness doesn't dominate.

Carving the turkey with friends and shopping for a gift for someone special is a part of life during the holidays. Drowning your troubles in egg nog and pigging out on holiday candy is not the solution.

Doing the holidays solo? Being alone is a challenge for many people. Not being coupled during all the various gatherings can leave singles feeling left out, sad, and empty inside. What can you do to make the holidays joyous rather than depressing?

If you are feeling alone during the holidays because of a death, divorce or separation from your loved one or if you are feeling obligated to visit or entertain friends or relatives that you would rather avoid, perhaps the following guidelines may help minimize the "Holiday Blues."

One thing to remember: There is no cure-all for the holiday blues, however it is important for you to understand that the only person in charge of how you "feel" is you.

Before you get defensive about that statement, I suggest that you take a closer look at the real issue that brings on this feeling. It is not in your best interest to allow what you think to color how you feel.

Understand the difference between the holiday blues and holiday stress. Holiday blues are feelings of loss or sadness because you can't be with people who are special to you. Holiday stress is often caused because you believe you need to be with some of those people.

Feeling down is not all bad. It allows you to see that something in your life is not working. If you listen to your depression, it may help you make changes in your life. Embracing the "blues" in a positive way is a good thing.

For many people, the holidays are a traditional time of happiness and festivity. However, for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays are a time of mixed emotions. Be aware of what triggers your emotions. Do your best to accept that your emotions will vary during the holidays. Make time to deal with your emotions. Have a good cry, punch some pillows and shout out loud about how angry you are. But then, as best you can, let it go.

Plan ahead. Schedule some fun events for January to give you something to look forward to.

No one wants to be alone during the holidays. And although you may not be in a position to do anything about being with the one you would rather be with, you can do something to help yourself focus on making yourself "merry" during the holidays. A holiday alone does not have to be the end of the world. Here are a few suggestions to help you dodge the perils of solitude and radiate holiday cheer.

To read the complete article with more than 55 tips for the holidazed, go to!

Sunday, November 13, 2005


Relationships Require Attention - Every Day and Every Minute!

All there is, is relationships! Relationships are about how we relate; with ourselves; with people; with our love partner; with the predicaments we find ourselves in; with our boss; with everything!

How we do that, can inspire a lifetime of love and passion or a lifetime of regret for not having lived life to its fullest in our relationships . Great relationships with others begin with having a great relationship with ourselves. This must be foremost in our minds, every day and every minute.

It begins with you. Make yourself better than you ever thought you could be and you will find the relationship you have with your love partner getting better. This works especially well when two people are focusing on working on themselves; together. Then, the relationship you have with the one you love can only grow and prosper.

Only selfish people think only of themselves. When you really love yourself you cannot help but want to give some of your love away. Other people have a need to be loved. So do you. People are like that.

Like attracts like. What you become you attract. Want a great love partner? Become a great love partner! Work on this one. Sharing love with someone else must only and always begin with you. Learn to relate to yourself better. What make you tick? What makes your relationships tick? Answer these questions truthfully and you may discover yourself and a better relationship.

Relationships, when we pay attention to them, are a request for us to be our personal best. Relationships, especially with someone we love and love to pay attention to, begin us on a personal quest, not only for answers but for questions. You are on the threshold of adventure. . . a journey of self-discovery. You may begin to understand why successful love relationships are something to which we must give our undivided attention.

Put yourself first! Never give yourself away in a relationship to the point that you put others before yourself.

Decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable to you; to your relationship with others and to your relationship with your love partner.

Be yourself. Remember, like attracts like. Be someone who attracts the kind of people you really love to be with! Be the best you can be. Always. Every day and every minute. Plan on good stuff happening in your life and the life you have with the one you're with and watch what happens!

There are some people we don't get along with very well. You know, the ones who, if they would only change, you would really love to be with. Well, the bad news is. . . they are you! It's true. What you see in others, whether you like it or not, whether it is good or bad, is a reflection of something in you that needs attention and perhaps healing in yourself.

What you perceive in others you only strengthen that same characteristic in yourself. The next time this happens, stop, take a breath, step back and notice that this is when you are being the old you and not being the best you can be.

Do you know how to change that? It simple! Do something different. Change your thinking, then change your behavior and you change your life. Change your 'not so great' relationship behavior and you change your relationships. Almost always for the better.

I say, "almost," because your love partner and you, both have choice about whether you will change; for the good; for the worse or just maintain. When you really love someone, you feel a need to move forward, to bigger and better things. . . together.

When you know what it is that you have to do to make your life and your relationships better, and you don't do it, just know that there can be no good reason for not doing it. I dare you to make people try to believe that you have a good reason, without having them look at you funny. That funny look may mean they think you are full of it.

When you change your attitude about another person, a situation or whatever it is, you give power to the other person or situation to change. It's giving freedom. You can only grant this freedom if you have it to give away. Then, they have choice about whether they change, or not, and you may also have some new choices to consider. Those choices can always lead you to something better when you decide that is what you want for your relationship.

Just because you know this doesn't mean anything. Something can never really mean anything until you do something with it. We must do something - whatever it takes - to make our relationships the relationships we love being in. We must always carefully consider what action to take.

Every choice has a consequence; some we call good, some we call not so good. Action without thought is only thoughtless action. Relationships are individual projects first and mutually beneficial projects second and they take our constant attention; every day and every minute.

Knowing this does not mean your relationships will always be great either. You have choice. The dilemma is this: there are two people. That means there are two choices. Not to say anything about the multitude of choices that each of you have. Each love partner is only and always responsible for their own choice.

It is when we forget this that the problem begins. We expect our love partner to make the best choices and when they are not our choices, we get disappointed and most people call that a problem.

The fact that all there is, is relationships, should, every day and every minute, find us being the best we can be. Relationships is the one thing that everyone can relate to. It is often the last thing we work on until the mountain is so high we can both hardly climb it. I have a question. If we know this, for what good reason don't we work most on what counts the most; the relationships we have with with ourself and others?

We use reasons to explain away why we don't want to do something; reasons why we don't want to change. If we know that doing something different might help the situation, not doing something different is called "stupid." The best reason why has never solved the problem. Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is why we feel the need to have our lives dominated by reasons why we didn't do something different instead of results.

When we make the decision to go for results in our love relationships, that's the real moment we make a decision to grow and prosper, both personally and professionally. We turn our back on childishness. The decision to allow growth to occur is when we become clear that results are more important than reasons why we don't have them. And. . . when we really love ourselves and the one we're with, why would we not want to always focus on results in our relationships?

Explore ways of being that empower your relationship. . . explore and discover them together. . . every day and every minute.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


10 Ways to Simplify Your Life

1. Men need to grow up. Mama doesn't live here anymore. Make notes to yourself. Remind yourself to take out the garbage and other things that will keep harmony in your relationship.

2. Go to bed by 9 p.m. at least one night each week. You won't miss anything. AND you can spend some quality time with your partner and be more rested and ready to face the world again the following day.

3. Simplify your life by getting rid of relationships in your life that drain your energy. Develop some new relationships with people who help build you up, not bring you down.

4. Even though you are in a relationship, you must make time for you. Often people forget about taking care of themselves. They become so involved in the relationship they forget about #1. You owe it to yourself and life.

5. Be courageous. Be who YOU are. Stop trying to be someone you think someone else wants you to be. Stand up for who you are.

6. Learn to move past the "small stuff" fast. Don't linger in the past with something that happened that you cannot change. Forgive if necessary and move on. Hanging on to anger, resentment, etc., is an energy drain. Life is too short. Take time to tell those you love how much you care each and everyday.

7. Stop complaining about things your partner does that annoy you. Instead catch them doing something right and offer a sincere compliment with a dash of love and perhaps a hug thrown in.

8. When things become stressful in your relationship, stop and take a deep breath. Pause. Relax. Ask yourself, "Will becoming more upset about this push me closer to what I want or further away?" Create something constructive to do to instead of becoming stuck in your negativity about the situation.

9. Let your partner catch you with a smile on your face. Be happy. Happiness is a wise choice. Happiness is contagious.

10. Design a quiet place to do some serious soul searching. Spend time alone. Think about what you can do to bring more quality to your relationships. Self connect. Who would you have to become and how would you have to do things differently for your life and your relationships to be a 10?

Monday, November 07, 2005


I Hate Snakes!

I was walking from my car to my home. My head was down. My eyes were watching where I was going. Suddenly, I felt fear. I almost stepped on a small snake. I hate snakes. Especially when I don't know they are there.

My memory recognized a snake. I stopped. I looked closely. The two pieces of twisted straw looked very much like a small snake. At first glance, it really did look like a snake.

Then I realized that in order for me to think the two pieces of straw was a snake, I had to be able to remember what a snake looked like. The picture in my mind was so strong that my body almost went into panic.

You know. That feeling you get in your stomach when, while driving, someone cuts in front of you and in a milisecond your foot is on the break. You know the feeling, the feeling of fear. The fear I felt was very real. And there was no snake. Only two small, twisted pieces of straw.

Our memory trigger visions for our imagination. Then our imagination makes it real. So real, in fact, that our body doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is not. When it manufactures fear, our involuntary responses go into action. You feel a rush. You are not in control anymore. Whatever it is, you so south. . . you check out and it takes over.

Fear is a powerful thing. And we make it up! Fear is false evidence appearing real. Fear doesn't come from out there. It comes from us. . . from within. Often it is involuntary, as in the case of the twisted straws. Sometimes it is voluntary. Sometimes we would rather make up something that keeps fear in place than to boldly step forward, with the first step firmly smashing our fear.

Why do we do this? Often it is to avoid the responsibility of doing what we know must be done. Sometimes it is because we are so afraid, the fear immobilizes us. It freezes us in our tracks.

Think about it. Be honest with yourself. Look back and remember a time when your life was being controlled by fear and when you finally got the courage to do the thing that you feared, the thing wasn't like you imagined it at all. Guess what? It is seldom ever is as bad as we make it up to be.

When you do the thing you fear to do the most, the death of fear is certain.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


In healthy love relationships, there is no second place

There is no longer any need to have one of you be number one and one of you be number two. Healthy people share. In a healthy love relationship, generosity expresses itself generously. Love partners are not afraid to share the spotlight.

We need to give up the idea of having to have any one of the two people who make up a relationship be subservient or number two. This idea takes some work because many people believe that one should be over the other. This is a bad idea.

When two people really love each other, they are not afraid to be their love partner's equal. Two people, each number one to each other and to the relationship, working together on similar things and accepting mutual responsibility when things are good and also when things are not so good, can only empower the relationship.

You give "of" yourself to the other. You never give "up" yourself to the other.

When you are both number one, no one ever has to worry about competition in the relationship. You never have to worry about oneupsmanship. When two people work together, they can accomplish more. It's the power of two working together as one.

If you want to experience a sense of revival in your relationships you must consistently push toward a state of continuing to be revived.

It is a do-it-yourself project.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?