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Frequently Asked Questions

All questions are answered by Larry James. When you are finished with this page, follow the links listed after the Q & A to go back to "FAQ Topics" or to read the "next" question and answer.

Q The problem is my lack of desire for physical intimacy. He craves it, and I never do! I'm only 4 years older than my fiance and it causes problems. I began dating him when he was 19 and I was 23. We've been together for 5 years now, engaged for one. We're very happy, except for this thing. It doesn't seem like much of an age gap, yet I think it is!

Is it possible for women to have the desire that younger men do? I've heard talk of a "pill" for women that's being developed for sexual desire in women...is it true, what is it, and when can I try it??? I take no medication, not even birth control pills, and don't do any drugs either (unless coffee counts, ha ha!)

It's a real problem with us now. I simply have no URGE! He ALWAYS does! We had a great time the first week we were together, but after that, it's been this! Luckily we love enough in general. But it's really stressful! I WANT to have desire, and I just don't! Is it true that my sexual peak will hit when I'm in my mid-thirties, and we have to wait for that?

It's really stressful. I hate disappointing him, and I do most of the time, unless I just "allow" him to be with me physically now and then, and THAT really bothers ME!

Is there any way I can have any of my OWN desire? Is it normal for a 28 year old woman to have no urges? It seems odd!

A Desire is in every lover's heart. If you do not feel it, it may be that you have allowed the sexual music you once made together to gradually fade away. No music. No dance. No dance. . . no desire FOR the dance. Always consider the consequences of neglect. When you do not serve your partner's sexual needs, desire withers away. It puts passion on hold. Making music together feeds energy to the dancers. While it is true that often with time, sexual desire may wane, it is not logical to assume that a five year difference in ages should be the cause. Nor is it true that it has to stay the way it is now.

Desire always comes after thought. The mind is the primary source of sexual arousal, not a pill. You do not have to FEEL desire to make love. Remembering the magic of past moments together attends to this process. Not letting go of whatever is keeping you from expressing sexual love for your partner because you lack desire is depriving the relationship of one of its most important aspects.

Desire often reappears while doing what brings you and your partner pleasure. That's where that magical dance of the hearts begins -- in the doing of it. When the music of one heart becomes the shared music of two hearts, you will find two hearts dancing together in a communion of provocative sexual rhythm. What a site to behold! We think it's the music that stirs our soul. In reality it is those silent thoughts that come from the heart, the ones that once again bring forth desire.

Always remember, making love is necessary to demonstrate the closeness that love partners NEED to know they are loved. Men and women experience sexual desire differently. Testosterone in a man is an aggressive hormone, while estrogen in a woman is a more passive hormone.

When you were first together there was romantic love; discovery, newness, desire, excitement and anticipation. Real love is not characterized by desire. In time, both partners come to accept the reality that real love is a willingness to be together, to be close, to often come together regardless of their desire to do so.

It is a wise partner -- man or woman -- who initiates sex in spite of a lack of desire for it. It offers evidence that you love each other and want to be close. Desire fades when lovers become lazy in the romance department. For romance to be present, it must be created over and over again. Do sexy things that create a sensual environment for making love and the feelings will follow.

When both love partners understand that between a man and a woman there are differences that you may never fully understand, you can then put aside your dissimilarities and begin to focus on loving your partner in ways that honor that person for who he is. It helps you get on with the business of having a healthy lover relationship, one that routinely transcends a lack of desire for sex.

If your partner is a "wham, bam, thank you Ma'am" man or always makes love to you the same way every time, your lack of desire could be from boredom. Variety is the spice of an extraordinary sexual relationship. If sex for you shows up as boring, you have only to look into the mirror to see the problem. Expecting to receive your happiness and sexual satisfaction from your partner alone is not taking responsibility for your part of the sexual relationship and can only lead to continued disappointment.

For things to change for the better, you must make a conscious effort to do YOUR part to eliminate the boredom by understanding where the boredom originates. What you are currently saying, thinking and doing for the relationship you have with yourself either moves you closer to the one you love or further away.

Create some new magic. Love alone is not enough. Break some new ground. If he doesn't turn you on. . . perhaps HE needs some lessons from you on how to go about that. "Show" him what feels good to you. If you don't know. . . experiment alone. Visit an adult store together to select a few love toys. They may inspire your creativity in the bedroom. Recreate one of those special nights you remember from your first week together.

One question I would have for you is: "What happened after the first week that caused you to lose the desire to make love?" Only YOU know the real answer. I suggest that you give it some thought and once again begin to do the things that made that week special. No. It is NOT normal for a 28 year old woman to have no urges unless there is a medical problem of which you are unaware. Desire is in every lover's heart.

One final thought: There is rarely any danger of "sexual burn-out" as long as you make sure that you are expressing love, not just having sex, and placing emphasis on variety. In other words, you cannot do it too much and you must do it in different ways! Be playful. Have fun with sex.

Additional resources: Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers

Larry James is available for one-on-one personal relationship coaching by telephone. Click here for details.

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Frequently Asked Questions is intended to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. In no way should any advice or opinions expressed on our site be considered as a substitute for professional counseling and treatment.

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