LoveNote Link
Daily Love Potion
Celebrate Love Logo

Follow Larry James' Relationship Twitter

Larry's Relationship BLOG!

Larry's Wedding BLOG!

Home

Site Map

About Larry James

BookShelf

Larry's Book Store

Relationship Articles MENU

Personal Relationship Coaching

Frequently Asked Questions

Media Press Pass - (For Radio, TV, Magazine, Internet & eZINE Producers & Editors)

Facebook Logo
Twitter Logo
Follow Me on Pinterest

Seminars & Keynotes:

Topics

Relationship Enrichment
LoveShop


Making Relationships Work:
Personally and Professionally


The 10 "Commitments"
of Networking


Networking: Making the
Right Connections



QuickLinks to Larry's
Books:


How to Really Love the
One You're With


LoveNotes for Lovers

Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers


SPECIAL Books for Business

Ten Commitments of Networking

The First Book of LifeSkills


References:

Business Leaders Speak About
Larry James


Church Leaders Speak About
Larry James



Relationship Speakers Network:  Representing:

Dr. John Gray, Ph.D.

Michael Najarian, M.A.


MORE Good Stuff:

Larry James & Barbara Walters

Larry James' Family Fotos

SPECIAL Relationship Pin Offer!

Links to More Relationship Sites

Larry's eMall - Secure eShopping
With Your Mouse!


Special LINKS for:

Authors & Speakers


Search CelebrateLove.com
Google
Use the Google Search Engine to find whatever you want on 750+ pages on CelebrateLove.com!

Click here!

Something NEW:

Celebrate Intimate Weddings LOGO

Larry's Wedding BLOG - Something new about weddings every 4th day!


Same Event. . . Different Scores!

or. . . If We're in This Together Why Aren't We On the Same Team?

Larry James

Perhaps it's all about interpretation! Maybe men and women really are from different planets! Could it be true that we all experience contrasting realities of the same event? Do we all think we are right? Are we committed to hold on to that opinion? Does this make us happy in our relationships?

Here's the scenario. You've had a stressful day. Hardly anything went as planned. You arrive at home and discover that your partner has experienced a similar kind of day. You begin to notice that you are taking your day out on your partner (or maybe you don't notice). He says this. She says that. It starts out little and in no time ALL of your buttons begin to get pushed.

As the misunderstanding gains momentum, what began as a small, insignificant comment, is now causing the pot to simmer. Couples who are considerate of each others feelings would most likely allow this kind of thing to pass on a normal day. The feelings of both partners goes from "It was a bad day, and I'll survive" to "Let me outta here! I don't need this in my relationship!"

It's like a snowball rolling downhill. It get's bigger and BIGGER and suddenly it mushrooms into a major confrontation. She says this. That makes him even more angry. He says that. Now she's really pissed!

When disagreements cause you to experience anger, in the middle of all of this, seldom does anyone ever stop to consider the damage that is being done by the choice of words that are spoken. Anger underminds your ability to be considerate of the one you say you love. Sure, it's wise to let off steam, in a loving way, of course, but the pot shouldn't be allowed to boil over. That's when things get messy.

Some people have an event like this and never talk about it again. Then they continue to wonder why the same thing happens over and over again.

Mature love partners will allow for a time of "cooling off," then in their most gentle and understanding way talk the situation through so each can be complete with it. They give up being right and instead choose a happier path. Stressful events are not there to break us, they are there to make us stronger; to help us learn from the experience and make our time together a time of expressing love, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.

If problems are not discussed and responsibility acknowledged by each partner for their share of the problem, then the next time one of those small, insignificant everyday misunderstandings occur, the same stuff is likely to surface.

Often the conversation about the event goes like this. Based upon what she said, he's says: "I know we were both in the same argument and we are upset about different things!" Brilliant insight, I might add! Perhaps it IS all about interpretation! Anger distorts our ability to interpret accurately. He continues, "I can't believe you said that! That's just not the way it happened!"

Suddenly he shouts, "Next time I'm going to video the argument because based upon YOUR interpretation you could not have been in the same place that I was!"

And she is thinking the same thing!

You both experienced the same event but each scored the event differently. Each person recalled the event in THEIR own way; both arguing THEIR point of view.

When this happens, rarily do we consider our partners position. We dig in to protect our turf. This is a deadly game for relationships. Forget "settling the score," or "getting even." People who really love each other do not practice this kind of destructive score settling.

In the middle of disagreement our need to be right causes us to experience contrasting realities. This is immature behavior that needs to change for BOTH partners to experience the kind of relationship that nurtures and supports each partner in a loving way. This is the path to a healthy love relationship.

Since you are both on the same team, perhaps you should practice some friendly huddles. Put your heads together and reach some new agreements. Design some new intentions about how you will respond if the same thing comes up in the future.

Someone has to be the first to LISTEN! That is the first step in the right direction. Really listen! When you pay attention to what your love partner is saying instead of instantly defending your position, it can change the outcome to one of understanding, acceptance and love. It is a wise partner who, in the middle of disagreement, can begin to focus on what their partner is feeling and what they are REALLY saying. Maybe, just maybe you will hear what they have been trying to tell you for a long time. Perhaps some new insights about your relationship will be discovered. Would it be worth it?

Listen to ALL your partner has to say. When it is your turn to speak, you consciously evaluate your participation in the matter. When you are tempted to spew venom, you must instantly begin mulling over several response options! This is a sign of maturity.

You know what you WANT to say because you may be angry, but instead you reinvent what you used to say by immediately constructing several better ways to say it (all this is done in several seconds), and you instantly determine which way would best help you both reach a conclusion that might avoid a major confrontation.

You speak and watch a miracle occur right there in front of your eyes.

When you respond differently than your partner expected (based on past behavior), most likely THEY will respond likewise. It can change the outcome of the game. This new behavior is an open invitation to be on the same team.

Now you both will come up with the same score because. . . now you know the score.

Copyright © - Larry James - Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship" by Larry James

  If you would like to talk one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching for specific details.

backSite Map Relationship Articles MENUnext

Relationship books by Larry James:

How to Really Love the One You're With:
Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship

LoveNotes for Lovers:
Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing

Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers (Career Assurance Press).

Author Larry James is a professional speaker. He presents "Relationship Enrichment LoveShops" nationally for singles and couples. More About Larry James

For a personally autographed copy of Larry's books, or for more information, please contact:

Larry James • CelebrateLove.com • P.O. Box 12695 • Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695

480 998-9411 • Fax 480 998-2173

Send e-mail to Larry James e-mail:
Back to Top

Purple Line

Please Visit Our Sponsors:

Hot stuff here! - Wedding stuff here! - Author & Speaker stuff here!

Ten Commitments of Networking: Creative Ways to Maximize Your Personal Connections here!

AudioGenerator stuff here! - Discount Dental Plan here!

More Hot stuff here! - Links! - Relationship BLOG - Wedding BLOG - Larry's MySpace - Larry's Facebook

Follow Larry's Relationship Twitter at: Larry's Twitter

Larry's: Networking BLOG


•    •    •


Purple Line

Copyright © - Larry James & CelebrateLove.com
Established 1987  -  Online 3/1996
Privacy Statement