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Frequently Asked Questions

All questions are answered by Larry James. When you are finished with this page, follow the links listed after the Q & A to go back to "FAQ Topics" or to read the "next" question and answer.

Q My husband and I had a baby 5 months ago. I had a very rough delivery and postpartum problems, only in the last 2 months have I been able to have sex. The problem is I am having a very hard time initiating sex. I love my husband and am attracted to him. He helps out around the home etc., I am not exhausted after the baby goes down.

We watch TV too much I know. It is hard to get dates out but we do once a week. I would love to improve our sex life and the general intimacy level. I am feeling sexy but so nervous when the time to go to bed together arrives. I am even nervous to say, "Hey let's have a bath together."

I have told my husband I am having some trouble in this area and he is understanding but I don't think it is quite fair. It has gone on long enough and we are losing touch with "us."

A Were you this way BEFORE the baby came? I doubt it. It may be wise to self-inquire as to the real reason for your sudden shyness. When it comes to sex, shyness doesn't work. Be bold. Be brazen. Get back to doing the things that lit the fire for each of you. Move past the rough delivery, get over your shyness and savor your lover and allow him to do likewise.

It's okay to let him know that you are horny. What's the worse thing that could happen? He could say, "not tonight dear, I have a headache." If that happens. . . take care of yourself. The odds are that's what he does when you are not in the mood.

It is not only up to the woman to initiate sex. While it is true that most men like it when they do, it should never be your total responsibility to light the fire. If your husband is truly "understanding" of the situation, then out of respect for you, I suggest that he be the one to make the first moves.

You have communicated your shyness to him. . . now it's up to him. He can help. There is nothing wrong with "planning to make love." Often anticipation can rekindle desire.

Turn off the TV. OR if you must watch TV, rent a sexy movie, dress down, have a glass of your favorite beverage and make love on the living room floor.

Better yet, choose some romantic music, light some candles, toss some scented body power on satin sheets to introduce a fresh feeling to the playing field and make passionate love. Stretch yourself beyond what is comfortable. Enjoy each other. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you.

There is nothing more romantic than a marriage in which the spark still flickers and, more importantly, ignites on a regular basis. Just because you are married does not mean you have to stop acting like lovers.

Passion does not stay alive by itself. Neither does love. A garden unattended does not explode into color; it withers and dies. Love and passion must be nurtured. If you expect love and passion to continue to burn as an unattended fire, you will both burn out. Get over your shyness. Life is too short. Commitment must be renewed. Love must be rekindled. The true romantics are those who continually work together to maintain the love and passion that brought them together in the first place.

While the pursuit is exciting and fun in the beginning, the responsibility each partner has of investing time and energy to supporting a healthy and prosperous marriage on a continuing basis is undeniably more important than hoping that things work out while giving far less effort than you both spent on winning your partner's hand.

It takes diligent effort and a committed love for you to continue to stir the sparks and keep the fire burning.

A woman needs to feel loved to make love. Women need emotional support to be able to offer sexual release for a man. A man needs to make love to feel loved. Men need sexual release to be able to offer emotional support to a woman.

STOP! Read the last paragraph once more!

Sexual communication is not only about expressing yourself. It is also about being received; being understood. Somewhere in between, there is balance. Negotiate. Take turns initiating sex. Offer to meet the other half way to get your needs and the needs of the relationship met. Learn to respect and honor the differences. Viva la différence!

Additional resources: How to Get the Most From Reading a Relationship Book
Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers (Read this together)

Larry James is available for one-on-one personal relationship coaching by telephone. Click here for details.

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